Learning to Speak The 5 Love Languages In Your Home

Am I a good parent?

I think that any good parent wonders, at times, what more they could do to be a BETTER parent. I sometimes wonder if I'm doing it right at all. It's a very tricky job we have. We're given these little humans that have their own individual personalities, quirks, gifts, and weaknesses, and we're supposed to raise them to be not only functional adults, but over-all decent people. Good parents will frequently assess themselves and consider what they can work on. Sometimes they dive into parenting books, rely on the practical advice of experienced friends, or just try their best to go with their gut and forget the rest of the world's opinions. 
If you google "What Type of Parent Are You?" You'll come up with an endless list of links to different quizzes or articles helping you identify your parenting style. Most of the questions are totally bogus, or don't accurately represent what you would actually do in a certain scenario. You are therefore left alone to figure out your own "label".

Something I've learned over time is that not all parenting styles are created equal. Even if parents have some over-arching umbrella philosophy of what good parenting is, each child requires his or her own individual plan or approach within that philosophy. There is a LOT of trial and error (and sometimes it feels more like overwhelming error), because whatever worked to help child #1 to cooperate will sometimes NOT work for child #2. 

One of the biggest hurdles in parenting (or with any personal relationship) is learning how to communicate effectively. It's important to recognize the way that YOU like to communicate is not always the way the the other person likes to communicate. So, for you, you have to identify the other person's communication language in order to reach out to them effectively. 

The 5 Love Languages - Learning to Speak Each Language In Your Family

I read a book years ago that has shaped the way I approach communication with loved ones: "The Five Love Languages" written by Gary Chapman. I read this book during a time of "young adult crisis" when Brett and I were dating. When we would have discussions or talk about important things, we often didn't seem to see eye to eye, OR, it just seemed like there was a wall between us, blocking our ability to communicate. It frustrated both of us. Then somebody recommended this book to me, and it changes the way I approached Brett, and really improved the way we communicated in all aspects of life. 

The concept of the book, if you haven't read it, is that every person has their own unique style of communication, and their own unique ways they enjoy being shown affection or love. If a person isn't spoken to in his love language(s), he may ultimately feel undervalued, unsupported, and unloved. That is why it really is so important to know the love language of your family members or people you closely associate with. It will help you to better show your love and appreciation for them. 
LUCKILY, anyone can visit The 5 Love Languages website and take a pretty dynamic assessment that will accurate indicate what your love language is. 

I recently took the assessment online again for myself and with other family members to see what everyone's love languages are. I've known the love languages of Brett and myself, but it gave me a totally new perspective when I considered the love languages of my children. Now that I've identified what language is most impactful with Aedan and Eli, I'm able to reach out to them a little better, and make them feel more loved and respected by me. Having each member of the family take this assessment is a GREAT activity. Everyone learns a little more about each family member that they just didn't know before. It also helps establish better harmony in the home as people are able to be more considerate of the emotional needs of everyone else. 

What I took away from our family's assessments:

My boys are different! 
Even though they're onyl 18 months apart and are at similar developmental stages in life, Aedan and Eli speak different love languages...and I needed to remember that. Aedan feels mostly loved when he gets to spend Quality Time with someone. Whether that is building something with daddy, or going on a frozen yogurt date with just himself and mommy, that individual one-on-one time is what makes Aedan feel REALLY special. Eli on the other hands (though he loves quality time) really loves to feel empowered and encouraged by the words you say to him. With Words of Affirmation as his love language, he will beam with pride when given a compliment or some positive verbal feedback. He, unlike Aedan, is also a little more fragile when negative things are said to him. I have been working to be careful to phrase any criticism I have with Eli to be constructive and encouraging, so he can know that "Yes, this was a mistake, but it's okay because we can learn and do an even more job awesome next time." A lot of Eli's self esteem is linked to the words people speak to him, while a lot of Aedan's self-esteem is linked to the activities that people want to do with him. Until I was able to identify each of my sons' love languages, these emotional needs were not something I was completely aware of. Going forward, I'm able to try harder to speak their individual love languages, and I've seen a positive impact on their behavior and our relationship just over the last two weeks I've trying doing this. 

Here are results for those in our family who were old enough to accurately take the assessment: 

BRETT: 

ME: 

AEDAN (7 years old):

ELI (5 years old):

The 5 love languages In Detail (Taken from the 5 Love Languages website)

Physical Touch

This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.

Receiving Gifts

Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.